Relationship Conflict

Let's be real, there is no relationship that is conflict-free. Conflict is a natural part of being human, and can allow for growth and perspective in a relationship. Many people view conflict as purely negative and destructive. Although it can be these things, it does not have to be. When we strip it down, conflict is simply a difference in perspectives between two people, and this difference can escalate into a negative experience when the dialogue is not productive or healthy.

Even when you've got the right knowledge and skills, human emotion may prevail and result in a nasty argument. This is biological- our body's way of trying to protect itself. I often tell people to keep in mind that it is less about the fight itself, and more about how you repair or resolve it afterward. In John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (an insightful read for anyone in a relationship), he talks about how to "Solve your solvable problems". Below is a summary of one of my go-to exercises for working through an unresolved argument in a safe structured way that allows for both parties to be heard and understood (you can find this exercise beginning on page 188 in Gottman's book):

Step 1: Pick an argument that both of you feel ready to discuss. Keep in mind that it would be most beneficial to choose one that you both have some emotional distance from. This doesn't mean there won't be any emotions there, but that the emotions aren't too high.

Step 2: Agree on who will talk first and listen first. As the listener, you cannot interrupt while the other person is speaking.

Step 3: As the speaker, list out loud any and all emotions you felt during the conflict, but do not explain why. During this step, the listener does not comment. If this doesn't come easy you can reference the emotions list on pages 189-190 of Gottman's book.

Step 4: Without criticism, share with your partner what you needed instead. An example might be, "I needed to feel like you were listening." During this step, the listener does not comment. For more examples, check out pages 190-191 of Gottman's book.

Step 5: As the speaker, think about and share what triggered you during the conflict. Consider if there are any past experiences or relationships that are the root of these triggers (i.e. how you were treated growing up), and/or if you have any sensitivities (i.e. sensitive to feeling judged or talked down to). When the speaker is done, the listener can now summarize and respond to the speaker with understanding of what they have shared. Check out page 192 of Gottman's book for more examples of each.

At this point, I find it helpful to stop and switch roles, then repeat steps 1-5. Once you have done that, you can move on to the next step.

Step 6: Take turns being speaker and admitting your part in the argument. As before, do not interrupt while the speaker is talking. Some examples may be "I wasn't listening well," "I was stressed", "I was taking you for granted", etc. Then, take turns apologizing for your part (i.e. I'm sorry that I was so negative), and accepting each other's apologies. For more examples, see pages 193-194 of Gottman's book.

Step 7: Talk about strategies to avoid this type of conflict in the future. Take turns stating 1) what you can do and 2) what your partner can do different in the future.

I hope this process helps you see that conflict doesn't have to be destructive, and can motivate you and your partner to fight with purpose instead of fighting to win. After all, the best kind of fight is one you both can win.

Thank you for reading.

You matter.