It's okay, be a little selfish.

“Boundaries are not easy. But I think they’re the key to self love and the key to treating others with love and kindness.” - Brené Brown, PhD

Notice what you feel when you read the following word:Obligation

Scary stuff. Many people would describe obligation as something they don't want to do, but feel they need to do. Actual definitions of the word obligation include phrases like “debt of gratitude” and being “legally or morally bound”. I often find that people will feel obliged to do certain things for or with someone, even when the person on the receiving end may have no expectation for them to do so. Obligations are a normal part of life, but our commitments to them can sometimes affect our well-being. In this post, we will talk about boundaries and how to better understand when it may be okay to give in to an obligation, versus when it may be healthier to say no.

What on earth does it mean to set a boundary? Isn’t that rude? Boundary setting requires you to identify and act truthfully in moments when you are depleted and have little to offer. For example, if someone requests your assistance with something on your only day off, it is important for you to ask yourself “Will this drain me?”, “Do I need this time for myself to refuel?”, “Do I want to do this?”, etc. If you reluctantly say “yes” knowing you are spent, then you may find yourself experiencing one or more of the following:

You feel resentful.

It creates tension between you and the other person.

You are unable to give your best.

Your energy and mood decrease.

Your focus is affected in other tasks or areas of life.

You reinforce a habit of being available or saying “yes” to those around you, making it even harder to assert yourself in the future!

Boundary setting in itself is not rude. It can be as simple as saying, "I really wish I could, but I am not available today". Sometimes it may be a flat no, or sometimes it may look like "not right now". On the other hand, it may seem rude if you say something like, “I hate helping you, Karen, you always push my buttons.” Note that boundaries are not always telling a friend you can't help with something. Sometimes it’s communicating to a loved one that you are not willing to tolerate the way they treat you, or maybe deciding not to work more than 40-hour weeks at your salaried job.

Remember: setting boundaries is a practice. Do not expect to feel comfortable the first time you set a boundary. If you are not currently in the practice of doing this, it may feel selfish or uncomfortable. Also, know that you'll likely get a reaction from the person you’re setting boundaries with, and that reaction is not an indication that you were wrong in setting the boundary. Keep in mind that a person's reactions are based primarily on their own beliefs and experiences, which you cannot affect or control. If you let other people’s reactions or perceptions control your behavior, you are not living your life, you're living their’s.

So look out for any areas of life where you may be giving too much of yourself, and decide where to set boundaries. Compassionately setting boundaries is one of the best ways to encourage honest and healthy relationships in your life. The key with boundaries is that you are able to practice loving yourself and others at the same time because you can only be your best to others when you are taking the best care of yourself.

Sometimes being selfish means you are taking a stand to say "I matter". And, you really do matter.

Thank you so much for reading.

Author: Lyndsey Perry, LPC